Humiliation (A positive coping response)

[emilystehr]

If I were a drug abuser, I would be using right now. If I were an alcoholic, I would be totally wasted. If I was an physical or verbal abuser, I would be abusing someone or something. If I were a true cutter, I would be cutting myself instead of writing this. But I’m not. Evidently, my coping mechanism is now blogging on realwarriors.net. So that’s better than the alternatives. No drugs, no alcohol, no abuse, no blood, no death.
Today I got a call from my Deputy Commander of Administration (DCA) telling me that I wasn’t picked up for Major. I’m a Captain, have been since 2003. I really expected to get picked up, but I guess there were a lot of folks in my year group and the Army only had a few spaces available. It’s a numbers game. One of my coworkers, who has an excellent record, didn’t get picked up either, so there is definite comfort in togetherness. I just got off the phone with my mentor, full-bird type, and she relayed to me how she didn’t get picked up for lieutenant colonel and how embarrassing that was for her, but keep the bigger picture in perspective, which is what I’m trying and doing. My DCA was very kind and caring on the phone. He told me to bring in my record for review and he could make suggestions. I told him I would, but the quality of my work will remain unchanged. Being promoted would be lovely, and I love to shop (more money!) but that’s not why I do my work (specifically for me orthopedic physical therapy and suicide survivor advocacy). I do the work because I take pride in the work and who I am as a human. I do my best with the work because I expect the best from myself. I’ve done my best, which is all any of us can really do in life, and will continue to do my best, so objectively, I feel no shame, embarrassment, or humiliation. We will get to the subjective element in a minute.
My DCA also told me that if I needed to talk to someone about this he was available (lovely man) because he knows my “history.” My history being that I’m a proud suicide survivor. The stigma can go bleep itself. I really appreciated his support, but I told him that not getting promoted isn’t enough to make me stick a knife in my throat. I’ve been through worse. This just hurts, but it isn’t the biggest hurt I’ve been through or will go through. I told him that I would work through the pain and survive and thrive, because I am strong and healthy and dedicated to the care of myself. With my brain and my experiences, I would have killed myself already. I’m tougher than suicide or suicidal ideation.
But the subjective feelings of humiliation remain… I am embarrassed and humiliated. Knowing that there were too many qualified Captains and not enough Major slots doesn’t change my feelings, but I think it lessens their intensity. But I still feel disgraced, disrespected, I feel pain. Life is full of pain. Varying degrees of pain, different kinds of pain. But pain is the common denominator. And I think that is what, I believe, is at the root of suicide, abuse, etc. Pain. How will I respond to the pain? Will I be in denial and choose to mask my pain with drugs, alcohol, abuse, cutting, or taking my life? Or will I revert to my LEARNED positive coping mechanism of annoying, repetitive blogs on realwarriors.net. “Hey look, it’s suicide girl again! Sharing her feelings! Telling people not to hurt or kill themselves or others! Choose to positively cope! Find your positive coping mechanism and face and embrace your pain and move through it and move on!” Believe it or not, I really don’t like all this blogging and publicity I’m bringing on myself. Frankly, it’s inconvenient and painful. But I do it because I believe it is the right thing to do.
Suicide is not terminal, pain is not terminal. Don’t get me wrong, pain SUCKS and I HATE IT! But I’m stronger than the pain! But since blogging on realwarriors.net is my positive coping mechanism, here I am again, blogging about my pain and how I’m not cutting myself or killing myself. Instead I’m feeling… pain. But at this point, I know this too shall pass and I will feel happiness once again. The pain will pass, the humiliation will pass, and I will have blogged again, but will not transmit my pain to others, the way I would if I drove drunk, hit or yelled at my significant other, or killed myself, etc. I guess that’s what a positive coping mechanism is: how one deals with pain without inflicting pain onto others. So I’m humiliated and in pain and blogging (again).
Please choose a positive coping mechanism for your pain. I’m sure it will be way cooler than blogging on realwarriors.net. Talk, write poetry, write prose, paint, make music, whatever you need to do to get out your pain positively and productively. Don’t do drugs, don’t abuse alcohol, don’t abuse your loved ones or people you don’t even know, don’t hurt yourself, and please, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF! I’m still here for you. One of the reasons I choose to stay on Earth is to encourage Servicemembers and their loved ones and all humans to stay on Earth and face their pain positively and productively. We are stronger than our pain when we choose to be.
p.s. if you ever want to email me at Emily.stehr@us.army.mil to tell me that you stayed on Earth or chose a positive, productive coping mechanism because of something I’ve blogged, I would LOVE to hear from you (no stalkers please, been there, done that). I guess that is my ultimate justification for my experiences with pain and suicide, that my coming out of the closet helped someone else; that I made a difference and my pain is justified.

[SoldiersHeartRanch]

This post calls every maternal instinct I have to attenion, I have mothered a lot of people.... First, what admiration I have for you! You have wrestled the great beast and won... not only that but you reach out in compassion to others. You know that you are not alone, the reported statistics are one in five. I am a strong and realatively intelligent person, but as much as I admire Soldiers, I could never reach where you already have. It's not like you became a lawyer, a nurse, a social worker, those jobs take hard work and intelligence, and once you become one, while there are the usual employee evaluations, they never involve PT, or weigh ins, or boards. I have some idea of the kind of person it takes to make a Captain in the United States Army. I have known many captains.... almost without exception held them in the highest esteem. Already in your life you have accomplished so much. I have watched so many Soldiers in the promotion process, and I understand the stuff about so many slots. My husband sat on a board to select Colonels I don't know how much you know about the process, my husband as a colonel realized he had known next to nothing about the how it was actually done. From what he told me, and he could not tell me the details, but it is almost more a thing of luck, there are so many packets to look at, and so little time, in no way should you feel humiliated from what I understand of the process. Do you realize how many people can ever say, " I achieved the rank of Captain in the United States Army?" If you never make Major, you have already accomplished so much more than most of us could ever hope to achieve. You have already mastered something my sainted mother taught me that has served me so well through many dissapointments in life. She told me, "when you are in pain over loss or failure, one sure way to make it pass swiftly is to look around for someone you can help or lift up." You talked of all the self destructive things one can do when disappointed, some people go the other way, and take their negative feelings out on others. I know you have seen it. You are a stranger to me, but for what you have already achieved in life, and for your "blogging" and the character it reveals in you to me, you have earned my respect and admiration. Aside from the shopping aspect, I hope it is of some value to you. I know my words will not completely take away your pain, may not help at all but I am cerain I would have picked you.

[emilystehr]

Thank you for your kind words, Ma'am.
I appreciate them.
:)

[ferretrunner]

CPT Stehr:
For what it is worth, your advocacy work is helping. I am an Army Reserve Social Worker and I am also employed by the VA. I use your video in training soliders, veterans, community members, and new employees. I know you have reached at least one soldier, as he came to me after the video and talked to me about his plans to kill himself. He didn't attempt and is now getting the help he needs.

It's a shame you weren't picked up. Remember, you can go before the board again. You're not facing discharge yet.

I understand about the stigma. It's one of the things I constantly address in my educational work. One of the misconceptions the military still holds is "once suicidal, always suicidal" As you know, that is not true. It is voices like yours, in addition to mental health advocacy and groups like NAMI, that will bring in the changes.

Transition is frightening. If you don't get picked up, you will be able to find civilian employment. Apply at the VA. Your vet status will be honored and your experiences respected. You might also explore finishing your military service in the reserves. The retirement benefits aren't as good but we still get them. And, we've picked up many excellent officers that way.

Keep up the good fight.

Lydia

[emilystehr]

Dear Lydia,
Thank you for taking the time to tell me about your patient and how my video helped him decide to stay on Earth. You are the first one to ever tell me that. I've been waiting to hear that from someone for months. I know that ultimately we all make the choice to stay or go for ourselves, but I'm glad that what I've gone through has been able to help someone else decide to stay. It makes me feel like all my pain and suffering and my decision to come out of the closet about my suicidality was the right thing to do. Thank you so much for that encouragement. I means more than I can say...
Emily